Imagine how different American history might be if Fred Trump had let his son Donald follow his passion for musical theater. Instead of that 58-story marble-lined sarcophagus on Fifth Avenue (among others), perhaps he would have opened The Donald J. Trump Theatre somewhere down on Broadway. Then he could have spent his adult life producing revivals of Hello Dolly and The Music Man, or whatever other mid tourist draws masquerading as musicals get his ancient, cheeseburger-clogged heart beating, and America maybe wouldn’t be turning into a fascist state ruled by the cruelest, dumbest motherfuckers to ever ride the DNA waterslide into the American gene pool.

Alas this is not the world in which we dwell. In this world, Trump became President of the United States as a stepping stone to a career as a theater producer. He hasn’t gotten a building named The Donald J. Trump Theatre built yet. But being a relentless self-promoter and a legendary cheapskate, he might have found a way without putting up his own money to get what he wants.

We already know that Trump named himself head of the Kennedy Center practically the moment he finished taking the oath of office. We know he appointed a new board of directors chock full of his own flunkies and footstools. We know that he wants a say — perhaps even final approval — in what productions get staged in the building.

We don’t know who he thinks is going to develop the chops to perform all these musicals at the Kennedy Center if Trump’s funding cuts cause colleges to eliminate theater majors and arts organizations and smaller theater troupes to fold up, but when has Trump ever made any sense. Maybe James O’Keefe?

Now, according to Rolling Stone, we learn he’s trying to put even more of his own stamp on this American treasure. No, he’s not renaming it The Trump Center for the Performing Arts. Yet. But we’re sure that day is coming:

He has also inquired to at least two confidants about naming a renovated wing or sections of the center after himself, and even whether it would make sense to put a “statue” of himself in the building — much like how there is a famous, large bust of JFK in the venue. (That may be because the place is named after President John F. Kennedy.)

Oh. Oh God no. Are we going to see The Donald J. Trump Auditorium at The Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts? The Donald J. Trump Lobby? The Donald J. Trump Opera House? The Donald J. Trump Dance Studio?

We’re also trying to imagine a statue of Trump in the lobby, or outside the building. It would have to be gold-plated, which would make it look like one of those participation trophies we used to get at the end of youth soccer season. It would have to be very tall, taller than the good-sized bust of John F. Kennedy in the Center’s lobby. (A bust that more resembles The Thing from The Fantastic Four than it does JFK, but that is neither here nor there.)

Remember President Obama’s speech at the White House Correspondents Association Dinner in 2011, when the writers came up with an idea what the White House would look like if Trump and his famously garish taste got hold of it? It turns out they had the right idea but the wrong building:

We’ll just have to hope that in 2029, President AOC reverses whatever abominations slither from the fetid depths of Trump’s depraved mind to wreck the nation’s crown jewel of a performing arts space.

On the plus side, it seems a lot fewer art patrons may be coming to the Donald J. Trump Theatre for People Who Can Sing Good While Wearing Corsets in the immediate future. A report this week said that sales of subscriptions to the center’s upcoming performance season are down by a whopping 36 percent. (Frankly, still seems high.) Considering the state of funding for the arts in the country generally, this would be a death blow to a lot of other organizations:

By this point in 2024, the center had generated $4,413,147 in revenue from selling subscriptions to its theater, dance, classical and other seasons of performances. This year, it has generated $2,656,524 as of June 1, plus $155,243 from a new mix-and-match package, according to internal data obtained by The Washington Post.

We would imagine that people are a lot less likely to buy tickets when shows such as Hamilton are canceling their planned runs, yes. And quite a few other performers have reportedly refused to book shows at the center in the first place.

There are other possible causes of the downturn in ticket sales, such as half the federal employees in the area who might otherwise be inclined to support the arts now being unemployed. Others are presumably having the same reaction that Manhattan society had to Trump when he first moved there in the 1970s: Who is this vulgar lout and why would anyone want to subject themselves to what passes for culture in his feeble brain?

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The Center’s director of senior marketing told the Post that the drop in subscriptions can partially be blamed on the organization kicking off its annual renewal campaign later this year than it did in 2024. We’re betting if we check back in a month that sales will not be much better, because Trump ruins everything he touches.

Or maybe firing this gay-hating wingnut named Floyd Brown a month after hiring him because CNN dug up some seriously homophobic comments he’s made in the past will turn things around:

He said on X that he was asked to “recant your belief in traditional marriage” and refused to do so, and that he was let go before the article was published. He accused Kennedy Center President Richard Grenell — a close ally of Trump — of being “intimidated” by CNN and alleged that Grenell, who is gay and a practicing Christian, “preemptively fired me for my Christian beliefs on marriage.”

We weren’t aware any of this was still disqualifying for a government employee in the Trump era! What a half-assed feeling of pleasant surprise:

For what it’s worth, Grenell denied having anything to do with the firing and claims to have never even met Brown. We suppose it’s possible he was too busy referring past Kennedy Center executives to the Justice Department for allegedly cooking the books. Although being a Trump minion, it’s much more likely a hunt for a scapegoat Grenell can blame when the Center struggles.

If the name Floyd Brown sounds familiar, it’s because he has been around. He founded both Citizens United and the online wingnut periodical The Western Journal, which was so out there that it was banned by both Apple News and Google News.

Quite frankly, given the plethora of white supremacists that have burrowed into this administration, we’re a little surprised that being a gay-hating bigot wasn’t enough to get Brown a pass. We would have thought most Trump employees have “gay-hating bigot” on their resume, right next to noting their special skills in lib-owning.

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[Washington Post / Rolling Stone]

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