Pete Hegseth Pentagon Chaos: Allegations Of Fake Wiretaps, Cocaine, And Giant Dumps
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Sure hope there’s no bad actors out there who want to do harm to the United States that we ought to be defending against, because Secretary of Defense Boozehound Pete Hegseth has been barely able to keep his office of leakers, backstabbers, and liars afloat! The Guardian reports that Dear Leader’s handsomest “tough cookie” boy may be falling from grace, after he decimated his own office in a firing spree, and then Hegseth’s lawyer Tim Parlatore lied to Dear Leader’s office about it.
You’ll recall last month, after dumbshit Signalgate, Pete Hegseth went on a bender … of firings!
Not over Signal group chats about FLAG EAGLE EMOJI battle plans, of course, but underlings suspected of leaking the state secret that Pete Hegseth is a grunting, bumbling, blabbermouth idiot unqualified to lead a jazzercise class, with a team of incompetents that spend more time bragging about their bowel movements and fighting with each other than doing whatever their jobs are.
Though the official reason for purging his staff was that somebody leaked military operational plans for the Panama Canal, and somebody tipped off reporters about Elon Musk’s plan to visit to the Pentagon and be treated to a brief on some state secrets about China and Ukraine.
Whatever the actual reason, *HIC*, he fired three staff members: his own senior adviser, Dan Caldwell, and deputy chief of staff, Darin Selnick, who both used to work with him at those conservative veterans’ orgs Hegseth ran into the ground while reportedly very drunk, and also the deputy Defense secretary’s chief of staff, Colin Carroll. And THEN, after firing them, *BELCH*, he started an investigation, or “investigation,” to find evidence about who actually leaked, a task overseen by his personal lawyer, greasebag Tim Parlatore.
Not long after that, Hegseth’s chief of staff, Joe Kasper, quit, after allegations that he belittled uniformed military personnel, would not shut up about his trips to the strip club, and spent time in meetings regaling everyone with descriptions of his bowel movements. Then Carroll accused Kasper of using cocaine, and Selnick and Carroll claimed they were fired for undercutting Kasper, and Caldwell went on Tucker Carlson to deny leaking and claim he was fired because he didn’t support attacking Iran. These blabbermouth back-biting bitches make the Real Housewives look like a Tupperware party! Get a reality show, not jobs involving national fucking security!
Anyway, now unnamed White House Advisor(s) (let’s call them WHA) tasked with keeping an eye on Hegseth have done a little leaking to the media themselves, it would seem, and dished that when the WHA asked Parlatore who leaked, after some run-around he told them it was Caldwell, and that he’d been identified by a warrantless National Security Agency wiretap. And the WHA were like, !!!??!!! If Tulsi Gabbard is illegally spying on the Pentagon, that would be an even worse scandal! WTF?! And then Parlatore backtracked and was like, um, no, never mind, that was just something I heard from other people around the urinal or something, mumble mumble. And the WHA concluded that this wiretap did not happen. Maybe Parlatore didn’t know that such a thing would be illegal when he made it up?
[O]ne Trump adviser recently told Hegseth that he did not think Caldwell — or any of the fired aides —had leaked anything, and that he suspected the investigation had been used to get rid of aides involved in the infighting with his first chief of staff, Joe Kasper.
The petty drama of it all! So how did reporters find out what Elon Musk was doing at the Pentagon, and get a hold of Panama Canal plans, if none of them leaked anything, and nothing was leaked? Some People Are Saying it sure sounds like Hegseth told some of that stuff to reporters himself, then blacked out and forgot he did it, and screamed at his staff, “WHO TOLD ABOUT KASPER BRAGGING ABOUT THE SIZE OF HIS DUMPS?!”
Whatever the case, the crabs left in Hegseth’s Pentagon bucket are still clawing at each other, which is what happens when a collection of dumbshit aggressive incompetents get hired to fight each other over who can be most loyal.
Now Hegseth’s office has been brain-drained down to three main underlings, not counting personal lawyer Parlatore: Ricky Buria, until recently his junior military assistant; spokesperson Sean Parnell; and his advisor Eric Geressy, who served with Hegseth in Iraq.
And now Buria and Geressy are feuding too, leak the leakers. The Washington Post picks up the plot where the Guardian leaves off: Buria has been trying to push out Geressy by excluding him from meetings, and it’s caused a “cold war that exists in between flash points” of flared tempers. The New York Post also reports Buria’s nickname is “Rasputin Ricky,” and he’s “a rare Biden administration holdover and an internal critic of Vice President JD Vance’s ‘wackamamie crazy’ and ‘isolationist’ views — who has also slammed President Trump’s use of the military for immigration enforcement as ‘dumb.’”
The situation is reportedly so dysfunctional that the White House has even stepped in and started telling Pancake Pete what to do: While “former junior military aide Ricky Buria has effectively assumed the job of the chief of staff, the White House has blocked Hegseth from giving him the job permanently on account of his limited experience and role in internal office drama.”
Good luck invading Greenland and the Panama Canal with a Secretary of Defense who’s never successfully led anything more complex than a racist chant, and can’t keep his own office drama a secret.
Does the big boss have any kind of red line his handpicked tough little cookie could cross? Who will be the last inexperienced suckup left in Hegseth’s circle that is now a triangle? Stay tuned!
LOL, they aren't giving the chief of staff position to the guy because of INEXPERIENCE?!! With the almost non-existent amount of relevant experience held by every single appointee in Trump's orbit, THIS is the reason they are giving?!!!!! Oh, but the irony is rich and iron-y.
No fighting in the War Room, guys!